Driver Lifestyles

Taking time for the family side

If you were searching for a job or career that has the greatest potential for risk to a happy family life, that of a professional driver would have to be in the top ten.

For those truckers or expediters with a spouse and children back at the house, the potentially long separations and unpredictable destinations of this business can be destructive to a normal family existence - a condition shared by many professional drivers.

Of course, we're not discussing the local delivery driver who goes home every night or the driver who makes it back to the house several times in a week.  This  concerns the over-the-road driver in conventional trucking or expediting.  The type of trucking in which the driver can't always make long-range plans and which quite often has the greatest impact on family life.

In expediting and trucking, the owner-operator understandably wants to run when the freight is moving, so he or she might not be able to schedule a trip back home, choosing to remain on the road for weeks or even months at a time. Going home is not always a financially sound option.

And, is there an expediter anywhere who hasn't been at home with the loved ones only to have the phone ring and be called to duty?  It's certainly a difficult decision to make, especially when the family has big plans, but one has to pay the bills.

Of course, this puts added pressure on the home-bound spouse who possibly has kids to care for and a household to maintain, especially if he or she is also employed.  Of course, there's the loneliness experienced on both sides, so in many cases, the cell phone bill suffers as well.

How do you keep a family relationship healthy when you consider the distance between the driver and those back home?

"How do you tell a child that his Daddy can't make it to his softball game, again?" asks Brenda Aikens, the wife of a cargo van owner-operator.  "A son wants to impress his dad with sports, school and things like that.  Now, when dad's away for 3-4 weeks at a time, it can fall to mom to try to fill the void and that doesn't work out."

Brenda says that when her husband entered expediting, the family relationship was similar to the picture she portrayed in the previous paragraph.  It was only after the family began to experience some stressful times that they re-evaluated their work/home situation.

"I had a choice to make," says husband Dale Aikens.  "It was either keep going at the same pace and never making it home to see the family, or cut back on the time I spent on the road and go out-of-service more often, at least for the more important family events."

An expert's perspective
Ellen Voie is a noted author on trucking relationship matters and has penned advice columns in trucking publications about these very problems.  She states that awareness of the potential hazards is the first step towards treating the problem:

"Long distance relationships aren't easy, for the driver or his/her family.  When the driver starts taking his loved ones for granted, they will be less supportive and less likely to accept the time apart."

"It doesn't take much effort to remind your family how important they are to you.  A note, card, e mail or small gifts sent while away will show your spouse and children that you are thinking about them, even  when you are on the road." 

"It's not the amount of money you spend, or how often you might get to see them, it's the fact that you are thinking and caring about them. Let them know that you miss them."

She explains that the problems of separation are a two-way street, effecting the driver's career as well:

"If your family isn't adjusting well without you, your job will be that much more difficult if your concern is for them instead of your job.  If your spouse and children can learn to not only survive, but to thrive while you are away, then you can be assured that they will not resent your truck and your job."

Focus on the little ones
One of the greatest challenges for the long-distance expediting father is staying in touch with his children.
Even with email and cell phones, it's not hard to lose contact with the kids and it takes a special dedication to give the little ones (and not so little ones) a call on a regular basis.

Obviously, the younger the child, the less they understand about why their daddy isn't a visible figure like other daddy's.  It takes time to educate them on why their daddy drives a truck around the country, but therein lies a great reason for them to take pride in their father's occupation.  Their daddy has a special kind of job that lets him go places other daddy's don't go.

And, when the trucking father returns home, children are not always as time-intensive as one might think.  One psychologist who specializes in families and relationships says somewhat humorously that a little attention usually goes a long way. “Greet them, focus on them for a few minutes, and then they’ll go play,” she says.

How does the couple maintain the "spark"?

Love, trust and gratitude
In an Overdrive magazine article from 2001, author Jane Connors quotes a trucker's wife:  “I think love and trust are the most important things, but being married to an OTR driver you also need to have more patience and understanding. They might not get home on time, like they promised, even though they meant to.”

The author goes on to say: "Gratitude goes hand in hand with trust. Individuals who feel “put upon” by their significant other often have trouble seeing marriage as a joint effort."

"In trucking marriages, gratitude is the fuel that helps each partner cope with the extraordinary demands made by the lifestyle."