Driver Lifestyles
Keeping the spark alive
My husband Vern is a professional truck driver known as an "expediter". This means he has to haul emergency shipments and can be called at any time, day or night. And when he leaves, he could be gone for a couple of days or a couple of months.
Because of this erratic schedule, it wreaks havoc on any kind of personal life we share. The kids are just about grown, so they don't require as much attention as when they were younger, they have their own lives. But I feel that he and I growing apart, and I'm very lonely at times.
Vern has suggested a number of times that I give up my job and go on the road with him, but I don't know that I'd be able to handle that lifestyle. We've been together 22 years now and I love him as much as ever, but feel we're growing apart. What can I do to keep our relationship alive?
Kim
Actually, the above letter is fictional, but Kim's problem represents what many stay-at-home spouses with trucker husbands (or wives) may experience. Maintaining a long-distance relationship can be difficult for both partners and it requires creative thinking and imagination to keep the spark alive.
We make no claim to be relationship experts or marriage counselors, but there are some guidelines and advice that we have found to be useful in helping couples get over the rough spots of the separation that a trucking lifestyle presents.
Let's address the question of separation first. If Kim wants to stay at home, how can she better manage her feelings of loneliness?
Stay busy.
If her daily routine still leaves time for those lonely blues, she should consider an outlet for her creative energies such as volunteer work in her community, hobbies, or friends. In short, activities that offer fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment.
Stay in touch.
With the cheap cell phone plans available, many couples are on the phone numerous times throughout the day. Now, there's no reason not to be able to talk to her partner on a regular basis about family news and happenings and just to hear the other's voice.
Realize her self-worth.
Kim should realize that she has as an important role in her marriage as her husband's. In addition to providing a portion of the family income, she maintains the home, supervises the kids and pays the bills. She keeps the home together and is indispensable to the relationship.
Treat herself to a day of pampering.
Pick up any women's magazine and you'll find articles that extol the benefits of a massage, a facial, manicure and a great haircut. It's great for her self-image and anyway, she deserves it.
So far, all we've discussed has been what Kim can do for herself. What about what Vern can do to keep their relationship healthy?
1. Tell her you love her! Do it often!
2. Buy her flowers. Don't just wait for a special occasion. Surprise her!
3. Find a common hobby or interest. Whether it's attending a church together or watching horror movies. Find something you BOTH like and make time to do it as often as you can.
4. Listen with your ears and your heart. Let her know you're paying attention. Ask her what she would like to make your relationship better. Be open to what she has to say.
5. Follow up your words with actions. Did you promise to go with her to visit her mother? Did you say you were going to take her out on Saturday night? Do it!
6. Give her space when she needs it. If she needs some time alone, don't take it personally. Everyone's need for personal space is different. Respect hers.
7. Communicate. Listen with respect. Repeat what you heard her say. Validate her points. Validate her.
OK, so that's about it for Kim's needs! What about her hard-working, dedicated expediter husband? What should Kim do for him?
1. Tell him she loves him! Do it often!
2. Trust him.
Let him know that she has faith in his business decisions and occupational choices. Trust in his marital fidelity as well.
3. Don't bother him on the road with minor details about the happenings back home. Take care of the small stuff on her own. There's enough big stuff to take care of later.
4. Make a date for romance.
Is your love life in a rut? Plan an evening of intimacy. Turn off the TV, light candles, put on some romantic music, send the kids to a baby sitter or get a hotel room.
5. Give him a break when he comes home.
When he comes in off the road, give him time to unwind quietly and leave work behind.
6. Give him some TLC.
A good, home cooked meal. A back rub. A kind word. Hand him the remote control.
7. Communicate. Listen with respect.
What Both Need to Bring to the Relationship:
*A sense of humor
*Patience
*Compassion
*A shoulder to cry on
*Lots of love
Oh, and one more thing - Respect. Respect for the other's thoughts. Respect for the other's needs. Respect for the other's feelings.
These hints and tips won't guarantee a happy, long-term relationship, but it sure won't hurt!
Glenda Katz contributed to this article