Driver Lifestyles

Keeping the home fires burning

By Jeff Jensen, Editor
Posted Jun 6th 2006 6:07PM

There are no story book marriages or relationships There are no perfect husbands and no perfect wives. All marriages have their strengths and weaknesses, their good times and bad times and...well, you get the idea.

So what keeps a marriage going?

The fuel that keeps the home fires burning is the commitment of one partner to the other. Commitment in this sense means the willingness to hang in there and work things out, in spite of weaknesses, disappointments and failures.

One author explained commitment in marriage as two imperfect people who are so caught up in a dream that they work throughout the years, in spite of hardships, to make the dream come true.

Those are some fine-sounding words and lofty ideals, you say, but this is the real world of a professional driver and his family.

A professional driver's spouse or significant other has to handle a mixed bag of problems and worries the average spouse rarely has to confront all at once.

A spouse is often the bedrock of a driver's caree - someone he can rely on; someone who will encourage him, help with business decisions and paperwork, and most importantly, lighten his mental and emotional load.

James Haddock recently retired from a thirty-year career as a professional driver. During that time, he worked OTR in tractor-trailer, drove tour bus and finished his time on the road behind the wheel of an expediter truck.

James credits his better half, Barbara, with keeping the family and home together. "You name it, she did it," he says. "She paid all the bills and balanced the checkbook (something I had trouble doing), took care of the house, took care of the car problems and for a number of years, she had a full-time job herself."

"I guess the most important job she had though, was raising our kids. We have two daughters, grown now, band she had to do the single-parent thing all those years I was running over-the-road. I would only be home a couple of days every two weeks or so, and the child-rearing fell to her. She did a fantastic job, and I'll always be grateful for her understanding and patience."

For her part, Barbara says that on occasion her role as the head of the household could be trying. She explains, "There were a few times, when he was gone, when I would wish I'd never heard of truck driving and that he had a normal job like other men! But, he loved driving and he made a good living, so I just told myself that if he could put up with the loneliness and the troubles of the road, I could take care of things at home."

Both James and Barbara say that trust is an important part of their relationship and that their spiritual faith helped them through the difficult times.

Says Barbara, "I never worried about things like that when he was on the road, I guess, because I was so busy with the household chores and so, I just didn't give it much thought."

"She's my best friend," James tells us, "and if you can't trust your mate when you're gone, you shouldn't be in this business, or maybe you shouldn't be with that person."He adds, "We've known a few couples in trucking whosplit up because of temptation, both on the road and at home.

It destroys families and we promised each other we wouldn't let that happen to us."

The kids
Ellen Voie is a past Executive Director of Trucker Buddy International and a noted trucking author who has written extensively on trucking family relationships.

She says that the well-being of the children at home is an essential part of keeping the homefires burning, and with her kind permission, we reprint some of her tips on long-distance parenting.

As a parent, you know that you are responsible for raising your children, but as a professional driver, how do you nurture them from the road? You can leave the child rearing to your spouse, but that's not really fair to her or to your kids.

Maybe you let her raise them when you are gone, then you come in and enforce your own rules when you're home. Is there a better way to be an active dad AND a truck driver?

As a professional driver, you spend less time with your children than you wish you could. The time apart can be shortened, however, by learning to understand what your children are experiencing during your absence.

1. Maintain regular contact with your children. You can't earn their confidence if you don't call them or send them cards or e-mails on a regular basis. They need to know that you are thinking about them and that they're important to you.

2. Give them a sense of stability by keeping a somewhat uniform schedule. If you can spend one day every other week with them, it's better than a day here and two days later, if they aren't able to anticipate your time together. Give them an idea of when they can see you and you will provide a little security in your relationship, despite the miles between you.

3. Work with their other parent to show a united front. If you allow a certain behavior that you know is unacceptable to their mom, then they will find ways to widen that gap. It's not easy to co-parent when you aren't with them on a day to day basis, but be creative in how you handle discipline.

4. Share your chosen career with your children so they can relate to your job, especially when they are talking to friends. One little boy, when asked where his dad worked, said he didn?t know. He would see his dad leave in his truck, but never understood where he was really going. Tell them about the loads you haul and how important your job is to all of us.

5. Finally, try not to complain. If you complain that you miss them, they will wonder why you don't come home more often. If you complain that you hate your job, they will wonder why you continue to drive a truck for a living. If you complain about money, they'll feel guilty for wanting a new pair of shoes or jacket. Don't burden your children with your problems. They have enough to worry about without wondering if you are okay when you're gone.

You can be a parent and a professional driver, and you can be successful at both! Take the time to appreciate the fact that they miss you and want you to be happy. You can be a great long-distance dad!

Survival tips
These words of wisdom for the spouse at home have been collected from several online locations. These web sites were created by professional drivers' wives and significant others who have "been there" to offer a support group to the woman back home who might feel that she's all alone in her troubles.

*No arguments over the phone. Drivers must concentrate on their driving abilities, not the argument they just had.

*Be sure the person at home knows how to handle basic home maintenance. Both parties need to be able to handle all household chores and repairs.

*Be sure BOTH parties' names are on bank accounts, leases or anything else that might need signing or taking care of.

*Make time to listen to one another. Hear emotions, illness, distress, frustrations, and anxiety and discuss them. If ugly information needs to be shared, go lightly.

*Honesty is the best policy! Don't hide anything you may think will disturb the other, although some things can wait, relationships are built upon trust and communication.

*We all have needs, but nothing should be placed aside as important as the family life. Although the driver misses the children and spouse, individual time must be spent with each other alone.

*Erase the "cheating" ideas from your mind. If you wonder if your driver is being faithful, ask yourself if you want the driver to wonder the same about you. Cheating is a signal that there was/is something wrong in your relationship prior to the event.

*Give a little, take a little. Honesty, communication and trust are the backbones of all relationships. Don't close your minds and hearts to one another, reach out and remember why you love one another.

*Above all, both parties must remember that this is a partnership. One person is not anymore important than the other, and one's needs should not overshadow the other. Communicate, share and respect each other, just as in any other relationship where both parties are home each night.

Visit these sites for information and helpful relationship advice
from others who know what you're going through:

www.atruckerswife.com