Have a laugh - Share a Joke

[EnglishLady]

Preparing for an Emergency Landing

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”.

 

[EnglishLady]

Tipping the Dealer

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?”

The dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?”

“Yes.”

“Well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”

“Okay. But the waiter brings me whatever I order. So I’ll take an eight.”.

 

[EnglishLady]

Special Day


Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, “I’ll bet you don’t know what day this is.”
“Of course I do,” he answered, as if offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00.

When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, “I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!”.

 

[EnglishLady]

A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”

 

[EnglishLady]

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.
“Don’t know,” the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rear view mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

“This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”.

 

[Turtle]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

 

[EnglishLady]

Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.

Tom said, "Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!

Larry replied," I nearly said something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

 

[Turtle]

This is some funny stuff here. It's "customer" reviews of Google Maps sites.

Here's a Google Earth view of Area 51
Google Maps

And here are the reviews.
Area 51 Reviews

 

[Moot]

Good stuff! The following one caught my attention. I believe it was written by an E.O. member.



Jan 28, 2010


Area 51 Many people go about this here place, but if you only knew, forget what you see on the surface of this place, Area 51 has many underground units - some that go for miles down, it is a research and training base, all manner of officials work there, it also has many u.f.o's there, think about all of the technoligy that we hace aquired in such a small amount of time, L.C.D. AND PLASMA T.V'S are not new, they were useing these in the 60's in the army, ask yourself wear did this come from, i am not going to say because it will probally cause more harm than good, We are useing all of these technologies now, and sending signals out to who ever can hear them in deep space, its only a matter of time before who ever comes to our planet and either asks wear did we obtain all of this because its ours or they will destroy us.

 

[Freightdawg]

For Costco lovers...........


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."




"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.



Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .




The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

[EnglishLady]

My Summer Vacation
Summer was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations.
She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the Summer. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota,” he said.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said, “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “Come to think of it, she lives in Ohio.”.

 

[usaf6186]

The day before Thanksgiving a man calls his son and says, After forty years your mother and I are sick of each other and we are getting a divorce. Tell your sister. A few minutes later the sister calls and says You can't get a divorce. My brother and will there tomorrow to talk about it. The man hangs up the phone, looks at his wife and says. Ok they will both be here for Thanksgiving and they are paying their own way. Jerry Lee

 

[cheri1122]

A man comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead.
The guy panics. Thinking his neighbor is going to hate him forever, he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur> He then puts the rabbit back into the cage on the neighbor’s patio in hopes they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside. He asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”

The guy stiffens and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened?”

The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, given him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!”

Hey! This's my all time favorite Rottweiler joke, cept a little bit different:

A man owns a Rott, and his neighbors have a sweet little girl with a sweet little bunny rabbit. One day, the Rott brings the man the dead bunny. He doesn't see any signs of injury, just a lot of dirt, decides it was a heart attack, and thinks he'll clean the bunny up & sneak it back into it's cage before the girl notices, cos he doesn't want her to hate his dog.
Mission accomplished, he's out in his garden when he hears the little girl's mother screaming, so he rushes over to her yard. She's standing in front of the bunny cage, saying "it's dead! OMG, it's DEAD!" Trying to calm her, the man says "Pets die - it looks as if it was a peaceful death, at least."
She says "It was - and we buried it, yesterday!"

 

[EnglishLady]

Hey! This's my all time favorite Rottweiler joke, cept a little bit different:

A man owns a Rott, and his neighbors have a sweet little girl with a sweet little bunny rabbit. One day, the Rott brings the man the dead bunny. He doesn't see any signs of injury, just a lot of dirt, decides it was a heart attack, and thinks he'll clean the bunny up & sneak it back into it's cage before the girl notices, cos he doesn't want her to hate his dog.
Mission accomplished, he's out in his garden when he hears the little girl's mother screaming, so he rushes over to her yard. She's standing in front of the bunny cage, saying "it's dead! OMG, it's DEAD!" Trying to calm her, the man says "Pets die - it looks as if it was a peaceful death, at least."
She says "It was - and we buried it, yesterday!"

The English version ROFL ​

 

[WestSide]

Husband returns home, finds wife on floor, unconscious, calls 911.
"I think my wife is dead!".
Operator says, "Are you sure?"
Husband pulls out gun, shoots wife.
"Yes. Now what?"

 

[Moot]

Stop me if you have heard this one: A Marionette, Wisconsin high school student spasmodically walks into a classroom with a loaded gun.....

 

[EnglishLady]

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.

"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"

"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"

"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

 

[EnglishLady]

My Car! My Car!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”.

 

[EnglishLady]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the “birds and the bees.”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

Then her father asked her, “Why did you decide to ask about this now?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”.

 

[EnglishLady]

Top Signs You’re Bored at Work


You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2011.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements