WASHINGTON - In a surprise press conference at the White House, President Barack Obama announced that his administration has fully adopted the
Republican National Committee platform.
"Great change has come to these shores," said Obama. "But we are a nation of the people. Let me say that again - We are a nation of the people. And with our dreams hope lives on."
Obama added that by siding with Republicans, most of his major legislation would sail through.
"These difficult times call for difficult decisions," said Obama. "And I need their votes."
In a hastily written memo, Obama outlined his new plans, including a massive round of tax cuts for those earning $5 million per year or more, overturning Roe V. Wade, elimination of Social Security, Medicare, SCHIP, Medicaid, welfare, as well as immediately engaging in war with North Korea, Iran, Lebanon, and possibly Yemen, just for the hell of it.
"Our nation is crying out for bi-partisanship," said Obama. "And I have learned that true bi-partisanship can only come if you just do everything they want."
While many veteran Democrats have accepted Obama's edict as cosmic truth, Congressional Republicans have thus far avoided backing the President and his new GOP-centric vision, going so far as calling for Obama's ouster.
"What this nation needs is real solutions to real problems," said Sen. John McCain. This switch by Obama makes it clear he is only interested in politics as usual. We're considering impeachment."
The RNC also reacted strongly to Obama's new plans, releasing a commercial to be run throughout the Internet. The ad, titled
"He's Black and a Democrat, don't believe him," details the RNC's belief that Obama will not "cut enough social programs" or "start enough wars" to be an effective leader.
Still, the U.S. mainstream media has excitedly jumped on the President's new proclamation.
"I believe I just jizzed in my pants a little," said
Marc Armbinder of The Atlantic."This is true bipartisanship."
-WKW
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