When should the parents take responsibility

are12 · Oct 7, 2007

for the way their children turned out?

I was going to post this under "Women's Views" but I would also like to hear from the guys on this one.

I was reading an article in the local paper where this man shot and killed a 21 year old woman - whom he was friends with. He claims he did not mean to shoot her but he was shooting at her boyfriend over an argument they had.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the father of the shooter says his heart goes out to the family of the girl and he just wants to put this tragedy behind him.

My question is, do you blame the parents for the way their son has turned out or do you blame it on the son, for making bad choices in his life? After all, he is an adult.

It seems, more and more, society is too quick to blame the parents for not bringing up their children correctly. I know it is that way where I grew up. If your children get into drugs, it is the parents fault for not being involved in their lives. If your child goes out and kills someone, it is the parents fault since they must not have brought them up right. When does the child take responsibilities for the way they decide to live their lives? Or does it all fall back on the parents, for not doing a good enough job?

riverrat2000 · Oct 7, 2007

its kinda hard to blame the parents when the government will not allow the parents to be parents anymore the government wants you to treat them like young adults thinking a 3 or 5 year old or whatever knows and can comprehend what they are doing all the time, also look at it this way they took corporal punishment as a tool from our schools and look what the sutdents did, think Columbine.

RichM · Oct 7, 2007

How old was the boy who shot the 21 year old? I believe the upbringing a child gets in his early years and especially in his early teens goes a long way torward making a productive young person or a potential criminal. Parents that do not pay attention to what their off spring are doing or who they are associating with are gulity of negligence.

I have 3 sons. When my middle one was 13 he was starting to hang out with a boy that was bad news. A parent who cares can recognize that. I took the hard road and did not allow him to be with that boy. My son was poed at me but thats the way it was. There was no discussion on the matter.

Now he is married with a 9 year old daughter and both him and my daughter in-law watch her like hawks. I feel sorry for her first boyfriend who will come along 6-7 years.

But you can only do and instill so much. If the shooter was also 21 he was capable of making the decision to shoot or to walk away and what he did should not be the parents responsibility. If he was 16 yes,the parents hould have been aware of the situation.

cheri1122 · Oct 7, 2007

I agree with Rich totally, and raised my daughters the same: I knew their friends, and their friends' families, too, because I made a point of knowing, and being involved.
But at the same time, I bet we all know of a family with several children, all of whom turned out well, but one, who simply refused to be controlled. There ARE those who cannot be reached, or reasoned with, or made to behave, and that's why we need prisons.

arkjarhead · Oct 7, 2007

You would be surprised the amount of people in prison who will tell you their parents taught them right from wrong and they didn't listen. I used to hear it everyday when I worked in the pen. Some of those inmates had a better upbringing than I did. My parents were strick on me, but let my sister by with everything. One time while I was in the service she ran off from home, and wouldn't come home or tell anyone where she was until I was home on leave. Lucky for me I had an understanding 1st Sgt and Captain who let me go home on emergency leave. Come to find out she was in Mississippi with a friend who had moved down there. I told my parents if you don't whip here when she gets back I will. That's the only time I've ever raised my voice at my parents, and I was shaking in my shoes because I need my dad was about to put me on the floor. But my parents just looked at me and said we can't. Last we did she called DHS and there was a big to do, and then she left. When she come home she smiled and said she was happy to see me. Then I told she wasn't about to be. I told her to go to her room. I came in there with a leather belt, and warmed up her breeches. She said she wished I wouldn't be able to make it home for Christmas. Then guess what happened? I celebrated Christmas in a combat zone. Be careful what you wish for.

are12 · Oct 8, 2007

The shooter was also 21 and should have known right from wrong. I believe, even if he were 16, he should know better. So, why do the parents get blamed for the paths their children take?

Yes, on one hand, you have parents out there that never spent time with their children and the child makes one mistake after another - even as an adult but yet some children will grow up to be great adults. On the other hand, you have parents that spend time with their children, be involved in their lives, do all the "right" things but that child still ends up making one bad choice after another. Does that still make you a bad parent? Or does it make your child a "bad apple"?

Yes, it is much harder to discipline a child these days but are families using that as an excuse for the way kids and young adults act today?

I can't help but wonder, what is going through the heads of the parents of the boy (I call him a boy since he is younger than my boys), that pulled the trigger. Are they sitting their wondering what they could have done different?

I know if one of my boys did something like that, I would be beating myself up really bad. I would be going through the could have, would have and just trying to figure out where I went wrong.

I really don't even know why this story bothered me so much. Maybe it's just because I hear so much of it lately. Who knows, maybe I just have too much time to think these days! :+ :+

AnneM · Oct 8, 2007

We recently had a situation here in Toledo about a 16 yr old boy shooting a police officer in a drug deal gone wrong. The parent blames society, and a slow economy for her son's actions. WRONG!!! the parent is a 3rd generation welfare recipient, collects social security for her depression the whole sob story. Well, my question is why did she allow her 16 yr old son to be out at 3 am? I have 3 girls, 19, 16 and 11. I know where they are, who they are with, am in contact with their friends parents and such. I try to keep close tabs on my girls so they don't turn out to be criminals. It is dificult to be everywhere I need to be at once, but my girls and myself have a good relationship. But if one of them did do something so awful, I also would beat myself up wondering what I could have done different!

arkjarhead · Oct 8, 2007

Friday night a 10 year old boy in Dumas,AR stole a school bus and led police on a 40 mile chase across 3 counties to Pine Bluff,AR. Sad thing about is he had been caught on camera awhile back trying to break into a school bus. I will give him one thing though. He had all his lights on, and was doing a pretty good job of driving that big bus.

AnneM · Oct 8, 2007

There again....How sould the parents not know where he is????

arkjarhead · Oct 8, 2007

They found out. Mainly because it was all over the news. Then today I found out that these three teenage boys who work at the pizza resturaunt in town climbed in the cieling at the pizza place to break into the tobacco shop next door. They fell thru the cieling, and set off a motion detecer. The owner had to come unlock the door so the police could arrest them.

cheri1122 · Oct 8, 2007

I wonder how many lawyers will be offering to sue the pizza place owner, for having such a flimsy building that the poor lil fellers got hurt!
I truly think that the idea that having children is a divine right ought to be reexamined. Just as Leo believes some criminals ought not to make it to court, I believe some folks ought not to be parents.
One that comes to mind is the guy who keeps fathering children that he can't afford to support. The judge ordered him to have no more children, until he could contribute something towards their needs, but it was overturned on appeal. He has a RIGHT to have children, no matter who has to support them!
It does look like the irresponsible and lawbreaking folks have the advantage anymore, and the rest of us just get to pay the bills.

are12 · Oct 9, 2007

Here's a story that will really make you wonder on how well you know your kids friends:

I always tried to stay involved with my boys and who they hung out with. When the kids were younger, it seemed I always had a houseful of boys on the weekends. There was never any drinking or smoking, just good old fashion fun. I thought I knew all their friends (and families) pretty well.

My older son was 16 but did not have his license yet. He had a friend that did and they would go out on the weekend's. Whenever this kid was on his way up to our house, he would call and see if I needed anything from town. Everything was, yes ma'am, no ma'am - a very polite, well kept kid. I thought he was wonderful!

Then, a couple of months later, I hear how this kid attacked another boy, the night before, with a machete. Needless to say, my son was no longer allowed to hang with him and he was no longer allowed up the house!

It really makes you wonder about the rest of the friends!!

arkjarhead · Oct 9, 2007

When I was in high school we hung out alot at a friend's of mine house whose mother was the children's minister at the church. She had a sign on her door that said: no cussing, no smoking, no spitting, no gambling, and no cussing. There is no telling how much trouble I stayed out of by hanging out there on friday and saturday night. One summer friday night I left about 11 after having gotten up before 5 and working until 7 pm on the farm that day. Needless to say I was tired. I made a right turn onto another street and hit the curb. Sure enough a cop was right there to see me. He pulled me over and asked me had I been drinking. I told him I had been hanging out at Mama Shirey's. Another cop pulls up and the 1st one told the 2nd one what my answer was. He said if he's been at Shirley's he hasn't been drinking. So they just followed me home which was like 3 blocks away. I guess the reason I told that story was to give an example to the type of reputation she had in town.

pelicn · Oct 9, 2007

When our sons were teenagers, our house was the hangout. I was home most of the time and "thought" I knew what was going on in my house. Boy was I deluded! Of course I didn't know that at the time, it wasn't until my sons were grown that I found out all the things that went on in my house.
Not that it was terrible stuff, but dang, I was there and I didn't see 1/2 the stuff that went on.
I think a parent can only do so much.