I just got a copy of this in my inbox, and you can imagine how startled I was reading that unions have gone as far as the North Pole. Please explain this to your readers.
Letter FROM Santa Claus...
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last
I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford
logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature
of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to
Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My
Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Letter FROM Santa Claus...
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As
part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind.
However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last
I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford
logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature
of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state police cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like
"Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to
Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My
Woman and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
