This how to guide should be posted in office bathrooms around the country, and in all public men`s and ladies restrooms.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When f**ting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full f**t has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A f**t that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the f**ter , pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy, and could easily lead to eyes closed, tears flowing, uncont
rollable nonsensical laughter, that can allow more escapees, followed by the entire staff guffawing and rolling around in thier chairs unable to stop.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several f**ts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
fog up the bathroom lights. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with f**ts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom. Truck drivers, military guys, and athletes, excell at this behaviour.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect vistors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom. If one does enter, just remain quiet untill you hear the door slam before you release the Hiroshima special.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water, and splashes ice water in your ho-ho, and causes you to voice a surprised "WHOA"! This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When f**ting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full f**t has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A f**t that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the f**ter , pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy, and could easily lead to eyes closed, tears flowing, uncont
rollable nonsensical laughter, that can allow more escapees, followed by the entire staff guffawing and rolling around in thier chairs unable to stop.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several f**ts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
fog up the bathroom lights. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with f**ts,it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom. Truck drivers, military guys, and athletes, excell at this behaviour.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect vistors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom. If one does enter, just remain quiet untill you hear the door slam before you release the Hiroshima special.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water, and splashes ice water in your ho-ho, and causes you to voice a surprised "WHOA"! This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
