Lighten Up with Humour

[OntarioVanMan]

Things seem a little stressed at times lately, Maybe it's the anticipation or something?

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large
trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires
and a couple of headlights".

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think
this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!".

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side
up".

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!".

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're
waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

 

[teacel]

Love the humor. In USA we spell humour --- humor. no u!!!

If you have any more jokes please post them.

 

[OntarioVanMan]

Hey I married a fine American woman from south of the Mason-Dixon line! We have many a discussion about humour and flavour and lately darest I say, French Fries!*lol*

And I thought the American custom for dropping the U was for editing purposes!( hope Jeff and Larry don't see this ) *chuckling*

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"

 

[geo]

no matter how many times i here it or see that about bridge still
enjoy it

last night got in trouble with my wife as she didn't think my joke was
funny, she said i want to go for dinner and movies saturday night
i said ok how about the gas station and a movie as it would cost the
same, she didn't think that was funny

 

[louixo]

> > > Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood Squares Game
> > > (before
> > > Whoopi) will appreciate these. These are from the days when game show
> > > responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. These
are
> > > from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's.
> > > ___________________________
> > >
> > > Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
least
> > > how
> > > high?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> > > A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a
> > > man or
> > > a woman?
> > > A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
> > > think
> > > he's
> > > really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if

> > > he's
> > > married?
> > > A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love

> > > you"?
> > >
> > > A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
twenty.
> > >
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your
> > > hands
> > > while you are talking?
> > > A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question,
> > > Peter...and
> > > I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going
> > > to
> > > get any
> > > during your first year?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing
> > > strawberries!
> > > ___________________________
> > > Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> > > A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist
> > > camps.
> > > One is politics. What is the other?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> > > A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
> > > What
> > > will
> > > a goose do?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth
> > > to?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
> > > dark.
> > > ____________________________
> > >
> > > Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting

> > > into
> > > the
> > > habit of kissing a lot of people?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what
is
> > > it?
> > >
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
neglected!
> > >
> > > ___________________________
> > > Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his
> > > head, what was he trying to do?
> > > A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
> > > ____________________________
> > > Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
> > > your
> > > elephant?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
> > > _____________________________
> > > Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

> > > _____________________________
> > > Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them
> > > and
> > > has
> > > actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
> > > A: Charley Weaver: His feet..
> > > _____________________________
> > >
> > > Q: Do female frogs croak?
> > > A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
> > > enough.
> > > _____________________________
> > > Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect
> > > light?
> > >
> > > A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

 

[highway star]

Did you hear about the two antennas that fell in love and got married? The ceramony was kind of a drag but the reception was great. A guy goes to see his doctor. He takes off his hat and says "Doctor, I've got a strawberry growing out of my head!" The doctor says "I'll give you some cream for that." A guy goes to see his psychiatrist. He says "I can't get the song 'What's new pussycat' out of my head." The doctor says "I've seen that before, it's called Tom Jones syndrom. Guy askes "Is it common?" Doctor says "well, it's not unusual." Insert rimshot here.

 

[boxtruck6]

THE PATCH: THERE WAS THESE TWO BROTHERS DOWN IN KY ONE NIGHT DRUCKER THAN A SKUNK, EARL AND BURL THEY WERE LEAVING THE BAR WHEN BEHOLD WHAT DID THEY SEE A ROADBLOCK UPAHEAD OK EARL SAID TOO BURL NOW YOU KNOW I,M THE BRAINS OF THE FAMILY SOO PULL THE LABELS OFF THOSE BUDS ON STICK THEM ON YOUR FORHEAD, WHAT SAID BURL? YOU HEARD ME JUST DOO IT, SOO THEY BOTH DID AND ROLLED UP TOO THE ROADBLOCK, THE OFFICER WALKED UP TOO THE PICKUP TRUCK LOOKED AT THE OLD BOYS AND ASKED , HAVE YOU BOYS BEEN DRINKING ? NO SIR OFFICER CAN,T YOU SEE WERE ON THE PATCH AS THEY POINTED TO THE LABELS,,,,,,,,,,,:7

 

[Olko]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers .. cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
So....I figure if I have to roll my own .. so does she ......

 

[teacel]

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

 

[OntarioVanMan]

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

 

[louixo]

Doggie No Legs

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.


.............................................




Top 10 Blonde Inventions

1. Water-proof towel

2. Solar powered flashlight

3. Submarine screen door

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart board

6. A dictionary index

7. Ejector seat on a helicopter

8. Powdered water

9. Pedal-powered wheel chair

10. Water-proof tea bag

 

[Lostmarbles]

Another Great Invention: Hand Grenade with a two mile kill radius.



Driver has an appointment with His Psychoanalysis but while unloading his truck he get oil all over his pants. Thinking fast he pulls off his pants and wraps himself with srink wrap and rushes off to the Doctor's office. When He walks into the Doc's room the Doctor Steps back and says: " Well, I can see your nuts!"

Life is what happens to you while your busy makeing other plans.

 

[teacel]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to
get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting
something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver
was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you
swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was screwed."