I was an expediter again for two days!

[blizzard2014]

Well, I made one of the dumbest decisions in my life this weekend. I went and bought a used cargo van. I put 6k down and had a 6k loan to pay off over the course of 12 months. I had another 1400 dollars in credit cards to outfit the van and buy insurance for it. I also had an extra 2k in the bank for emergencies and to make the first van payment. I was all pre-approved with Bolt Express (thank you Cassandra and Mark) but the 35 mile drive home from the dealership took a huge toll on my body. I was in pain for two days afterwards. Then when I finally began feeling a little bit better, I drove to the DMV to renew my drivers license, then 35 miles back to the dealer to return the van, then I took an hour long taxi ride back home. I had to do that on two painkiller pills or else I would have never even been able to do even that much. I broke my rule of never driving on meds. I just wanted the van gone ASAP from my sight. I wouldn't even be able to drive the thing a few miles here and there around town.

I haven't drive in 4 years. I almost had a full bow panic attack on the freeway that I was going to have more blood clots and die. I almost had a mental breakdown. The dealership had mercy on me; and even though California does not have a cooling off period, they allowed me to return the van and only deducted a 500 dollar restocking fee. I am just so hard headed. I had to find out the hard way that I just can't function like I used to. I literally feel like I have been working on a construction site for two weeks from just 1 hour of driving. Everything on my body hurts and it's been two days since I took the van back. I don't know what to do. I don't even think I can work a part time job as a dish washer. I have nothing left in me. I also can't get used to the idea of being unproductive for the rest of my life.

I can't accept the fact that I'm going to be on disability and living with moms for the rest of my life (however long that is these days)! I have never been unproductive. I just want to either function at full capacity or be dead. I know that neither of those are going to happen anytime soon, so I have to learn how to function in my current capacity. I just thought I'd throw this out there are a cautionary tale and to let you guys know that for a few days I had it all again. I had big dreams, plans, hopes, and almost dug myself a big hole. The dealership could have kept the entire 6k and then re-sold the van for a huge profit. Any how, lesson learned. I will stay down for the time being. I just hope the referee doesn't get to number ten before I get back up again. I miss the road. I miss the expediter life. It's so hard to let go.

J

 

[Treadmill]

Well, I made one of the dumbest decisions in my life this weekend. I went and bought a used cargo van. I put 6k down and had a 6k loan to pay off over the course of 12 months. I had another 1400 dollars in credit cards to outfit the van and buy insurance for it. I also had an extra 2k in the bank for emergencies and to make the first van payment. I was all pre-approved with Bolt Express (thank you Cassandra and Mark) but the 35 mile drive home from the dealership took a huge toll on my body. I was in pain for two days afterwards. Then when I finally began feeling a little bit better, I drove to the DMV to renew my drivers license, then 35 miles back to the dealer to return the van, then I took an hour long taxi ride back home. I had to do that on two painkiller pills or else I would have never even been able to do even that much. I broke my rule of never driving on meds. I just wanted the van gone ASAP from my sight. I wouldn't even be able to drive the thing a few miles here and there around town.

I haven't drive in 4 years. I almost had a full bow panic attack on the freeway that I was going to have more blood clots and die. I almost had a mental breakdown. The dealership had mercy on me; and even though California does not have a cooling off period, they allowed me to return the van and only deducted a 500 dollar restocking fee. I am just so hard headed. I had to find out the hard way that I just can't function like I used to. I literally feel like I have been working on a construction site for two weeks from just 1 hour of driving. Everything on my body hurts and it's been two days since I took the van back. I don't know what to do. I don't even think I can work a part time job as a dish washer. I have nothing left in me. I also can't get used to the idea of being unproductive for the rest of my life.

I can't accept the fact that I'm going to be on disability and living with moms for the rest of my life (however long that is these days)! I have never been unproductive. I just want to either function at full capacity or be dead. I know that neither of those are going to happen anytime soon, so I have to learn how to function in my current capacity. I just thought I'd throw this out there are a cautionary tale and to let you guys know that for a few days I had it all again. I had big dreams, plans, hopes, and almost dug myself a big hole. The dealership could have kept the entire 6k and then re-sold the van for a huge profit. Any how, lesson learned. I will stay down for the time being. I just hope the referee doesn't get to number ten before I get back up again. I miss the road. I miss the expediter life. It's so hard to let go.

J

Kudos to you for realizing that your health comes first. I know it's tough for you not being able to do the thing that you loved to do. Hopefully there will be something that you will be able to do to compensate you.

 

[blizzard2014]

Kudos to you for realizing that your health comes first. I know it's tough for you not being able to do the thing that you loved to do. Hopefully there will be something that you will be able to do to compensate you.

I also gave up my CDL yesterday. There is no turning back now, but I am in bad shape. It is always good to hold onto the dream. It is good for the soul. I just can't in good faith drive around all hopped up on painkillers. If you have to pop pills just to drive, just to be able to tolerate working, then it isn't the best thing to do. I wish I could rewind the clock back to September 2011 and turn down that load I accepted that caused me to fall off my truck. That's all I think about over and over inside my head day and night. What if I had never answered my phone that day. I can't shake it. Thanks for the support.

 

[brokcanadian]

You'll find something you can do again. This is what disability was made for, no guilt, you deserve it and no one not in your situation can even imagine what you're going thru.

The wife is 35 and has disintegrating joints from arthritis, as well as EDS HD, migraines, failing kidneys and liver, and multiple other conditions they are just beginning to identify. She used to work 10-14 hours a day, 7 days a week until I forced her to stop. She now works to the best of her ability helping other families with terminally ill children get help and negotiate our sub standard medical system over here.

It's good to spend time with family and friends and revisit those hobbies you enjoyed, but never had enough time for.

Good luck and don't forget to enjoy each day to the fullest, there's a whole world out there that doesn't involve working for a living

 

[blizzard2014]

I just don't know how to not work. What is there left if you can't fend for yourself? I'm sure I will eventually swallow this pill as I have no choice. You can't make a blown engine work without rebuilding it, right. The only problem is that medical science cannot rebuild my broken parts. Your wife has Elhers Danlos? I think that is the name if it. That is a pretty bad one. There are so many jacked up conditions that can completely ruin a person. Any how, I have been humbled from this experience.

 

[brokcanadian]

Something for paid work that doesn't involve driving on meds is possible too if you insist on punching a clock...you just have to change how you made a living. Easier said than done, I know

I've got no suggestions that way, my occasional expediting income is supporting us while I care for people at home. My youngest daughter has SMA type 1 and is 24 hour care, two other daughters have varying degrees of autism, and the oldest is just cranky and knows everything. She's the most trouble

I do understand. Because of this situation I have to turn down a significant amount of work (when there is work) basically that's the reason for Broke Canadian....

 

[OntarioVanMan]

well you gave it a shot...nothing to be ashamed about....now you MUST concentrate on the positives of what you can do....and move forward....Be safe ...

 

[blizzard2014]

I just need to win the lottery and all will be good lol.

 

[blizzard2014]

I still can't believe it hurts three days later. I just want to lay in bed until the pain stops. This is no life for anyone to have to live.

 

[davekc]

Hang in there. Usually when one door closes, another is opened. Hopefully a solution can be found to your health issues.

 

[blizzard2014]

Thanks for the kind words Dave. I am taking much better care of my health. I know I post a lot about eating myself to death, but I have been limiting my carbs to 60 grams per meal, mostly 1 meal a day under 800 calories. I just have to use 30 units of fast acting insulin to stop my sugar from going over 120 after that one meal. I have changed so much to accommodate these medical issues. I manage them pretty well, but it takes a lot of effort. It's not something that can be done on a busy lifestyle, or under demanding full time employment. I will start trying to strengthen my legs even though I know they will never be normal, but I can try. I had to know for sure. I didn't want to have to go through a long knock down, drag out fight with social security until I knew for sure what my limitations truly are. I won't waste anymore time wondering what if now that I know the answer to that particular question.

 

[brokcanadian]

I still can't believe it hurts three days later. I just want to lay in bed until the pain stops. This is no life for anyone to have to live.

Then lay in bed is what you need to do. I have no idea what level medical coverage you have, luckily in Ontario hospital coverage is forced thru our taxes but when you leave, without private coverage, other than doctors visits you're not covered, we've got crazy out of pocket costs sometimes...whichever level you've got, a pain management clinic is a must...I'm not going to sugar coat it, the wife has turned down all oral narcotics because they do nothing for the pain and make her foggy headed, you might not get relief (that's why they call it pain "management" ) but Bu-Trans skin patches allow her to walk...start researching options and talking to people to see what you can do.

It doesn't sound like you've got a good team behind you, that should be first priority, who knows, your pain might be treatable with the right combination

(Edit: you're on the right track about the diabetes...reduced calories is part of the solution, research ELIMINATING carbs eg. Paleo style diet, there's been some good groundbreaking studies recently, if you're injecting monitor this with a good doctor diabetes is extremely serious on its own)

 

[Mailer]

It doesn't sound like you've got a good team behind you, that should be first priority, who knows, your pain might be treatable with the right combination

Very true, IMO.

blizzard, wishing you the better quality of life brother!

 

[blizzard2014]

Very true, IMO.

blizzard, wishing you the better quality of life brother!

I am in pain management and there aren't many procedures they can do for nerve and circulation related pain. If this was spinal they could operate. If it was arthritis there are meds and other injections they can do for that. They can't do nerve blocks because my entire leg hurts. There are many medications that I cannot take due to being on Warfarin. I am on pain meds (but they aren't enough to make me functional) and when I do take extra meds in order to function, I am just a mindless zombie. There is no happy medium. I have never done well on any kind of drugs. That is why I loved my coffee only. I can manage the pain by resting all of the time. If I get long periods of sleep, and if I keep my legs elevated all day (which is what I do) the pain stays at bay, and I can get by on only 40 Mgs of pain meds per day. This is a very small dose. So small in fact that my pain management doctor thinks my PCP should be treating me instead of him, but my PCP stopped prescribing pain meds once they made Norco a schedule 2 drug in 2014-2015. I have not sat in a regular chair with my legs touching the floor in 4 years. When I drive or go to the doctors, I sit in regular chairs, but this is painful after a while. It's just hard to get used to this level of inactivity. I mean, I have never been a runner, a weight lifter, etc, but I did used to move around a lot. More than I do now. Any how, I'm going to get back into church and see a priest and ask him what a mans purpose is if he can't function in society. I really don't see one, but who knows. All I do now is merely exist and let the pain suck every ounce of joy I have right from my body.

 

[brokcanadian]

It does sound like you're doing all you can, sorry. Wife's in the same situation, she was out of bed a grand total of 3 hours today

 

[Moot]

Obviously jumping into a van was way too much, too soon. Why not start over taking baby steps? You could go back to dispatching part time. Maybe you could find a small carrier in need of someone to take phone calls and do limited dispatching on weekends. With today's technology you can work from home. A decent internet connection and possibly a second phone line and you should be good to go.

 

[blizzard2014]

It does sound like you're doing all you can, sorry. Wife's in the same situation, she was out of bed a grand total of 3 hours today

I'm not that bad where I have to lay in bed all day. Now, if I didn't have my four pain pills a day, I would probably be in bed a lot longer. If I could get used to the longer acting pain meds, I would be able to do even more. I had a lung function test that shows my lungs are only working at 49 percent. So when I take longer acting pain meds, I have a hard time breathing, because they depress the respiratory system. I had another CT scan and do not have Pulmonary Fibrosis which is where this new diagnosis was headed. They now think I might have smaller blood clots deeper inside my lungs that have not dissolved and that is causing what is called Pulmonary Hypertension. I am sacred that my future will be wearing an oxygen mask. I just wanted to drive and get away from all of this for a while. I was going to put all of the medical tests on hold for a few months. Any how, I hope your wife is feeling better today. Please give her a hug for me.

 

[blizzard2014]

Obviously jumping into a van was way too much, too soon. Why not start over taking baby steps? You could go back to dispatching part time. Maybe you could find a small carrier in need of someone to take phone calls and do limited dispatching on weekends. With today's technology you can work from home. A decent internet connection and possibly a second phone line and you should be good to go.

Moot, that's kind of funny in a way, because I was dispatching for a well known company on here last year. I dispatched for them for four months, pulling almost 18 hour days, and weekends as well. Right before I was going to have to talk to them about drastically scaling back my hours (I wanted 10 hours a day 4 days week) they went out of business and still owe me 1500 dollars. You guys can speculate all you want on here, but I will not tell you what company it is. I made a promise that I wouldn't. I have a phone and a nice computer that was sent to me for dispatching purposes, and that more than compensated me for my time. I also learned that I can't pull 18 hour days anymore, even just working from home. I had an internet phone hooked up to my internet router with a 50 foot long Ethernet cable. I had the computer and phone set up next to the couch and I was able to work with my legs elevated. It was a pretty good set up for me. The only problem is that it is a little bit too much of a relaxed position for office work. I prefer to be sitting on a regular desk because you can type better, faster, and be more quick on the draw when putting bids into different brokers and load boards. I prefer to be more organized when I work, but doing it this way only made me maybe 10 percent less effective. I'd love to be a freight agent or out of state recruiter. Something where I can just stay with my legs elevated on the bad days. I'm not lazy. I force myself to do 1-2 hours of house work a day. Even if it is just doing laundry and letting the dishwasher wash all of the dishes for me. I make an effort to be productive. Any how, maybe someone will have some sort of work for me. It's just never going to be enough to accomplish my goals. I wanted to start a 401k and prepare for the future, but now it's just about day to day survival.

 

[brokcanadian]

You've got the time, and the equipment, look into being an independent. You could make a lot of drivers and customers haply while building up that 401k

Didn't want to suggest it, I know how random your ability to work must be. It's free to check it out