Favorite 'Deep Thoughts'

[Tennesseahawk]

What are your favorite Jack Handey philosophies?

-Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

-[SIZE=-1]Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

-Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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[SIZE=-1]-[SIZE=-1]I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
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[SIZE=-1][SIZE=-1]-If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!

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[dancorn]

As long as we are posting philosophy, some of my old, arcane and humble thoughts.

1. We are all born knowing how to do three things; suckle, wet and cry. Everything after that we either learn from someone else or figure out for ourselves.

2. People are not perfect but until something better comes along we will have to do.

3. No matter how hard you push the envelope it remains stationery.

4. All foot fetishists should be renamed Plato.

 

[pjjjjj]

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.


I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending that he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.


The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."


To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.


If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

 

[Turtle]

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

 

[dancorn]

It has been said that a black would not be president until pigs learned to fly. Sure enough Obama was elected and swine flu.

This joke was stolen from Joe.

 

[highway star]

I believe in making the world safe for children, but not our children's children. Because I don't believe children should be having sex.

 

[jujubeans]

I believe in making the world safe for children, but not our children's children. Because I don't believe children should be having sex.

But then how would we get grandbabies?

 

[pelicn]

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?"

 

[dabluzman1]

I posted these in another thread, while not qoutes from Jack they are a jack-of-all-trades
collection of quotes that may fit.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes on attitude.

I am a little deaf, a little blind, a little impotent, and on top of this are two or three abominable infirmities, but nothing destroys my hope. ~Voltaire

Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities - always see them, for they're always there. ~Norman Vincent Peale

Impossible is a word only to be found in the dictionary of fools. ~Napoleon

Is life so wretched? Isn't it rather your hands which are too small, your vision which is muddled? You are the one who must grow up. ~Dag Hammarskjold

People are not disturbed by things, but by the view they take of them. ~Epictetus

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come. ~Chinese Proverb

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left. ~Hubert Humphrey

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1893

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. ~Vince Lombardi

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful. ~Buddha

and finally:

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"

Rock on dudes and dudettes