moose
Veteran Expediter
DOG PEOPLE:
* are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC.
* think everyone has dog crates in their living room.
* have messy houses yet their kennels are spotless.
* can always find a show catalog from somewhere within arm's reach.
* have kids who know more about the "birds and the bees" when they're five than most
people know when they are 40.
* drive trucks, vans, and station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates.
* can never be reached on a weekend, they're usually at a dog show.
* will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel and $150 for meals to bring home
a 35 cent ribbon.
* have kids who regard "b###h" as just another household word.
* have lush, green, beautiful back yards and they've never bought a bag of fertilizer.
* get up at 6 AM to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8 AM, but have
trouble getting to work on time.
* will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a
shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel.
* never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage 10 days late.
* had rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.
* use dog food bags for trash cans and 30 gallon trash cans for dog food.
* talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog
people.
* have parents who think they've lost their minds.
* have dog friends who think they are terrific.
BULLDOG PROPERTY LAWS
* If I like it, it’s mine.
* If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
* If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
* If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
* If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
* If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
* If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
* If I saw it first, it’s mine.
* If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
* If it is broken, it’s yours.
LETTER TO MY DOG:
Dear Rover:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so there is still a dog in
the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is
not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they
can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob,
or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, and canine attendance is
not mandatory
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's hind-end. I cannot stress this
enough. It would be such a simple change for you
GUIDELINES FOR NON DOG OWNERS WHO COME TO VISIT:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people so don't scold him, kick him or ask him to
move so that you can sit down.
3. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and has
a speech impediment.
5. When introducing yourself, do not extend your hand but rather smile, turn around and bend
over graciously and let him take a whiff so that he will recognize you the next time you come to
visit.
6. If he breaks wind silently and you happen to get a snoot-full do not make a disparaging
remark. He has more sense than either of us and knows that there is more room on the outside
than the inside.
7. If Rover hikes his leg and wets your trousers do not get upset, he is just letting everybody
else know that you are part of his clan now.
8. If Rover takes a big ol' hunk out of your leg, I am certain that you deserved it for some
reason or another anyway and he just won't tell me to save you the embarrassment of why.
Things We Can Learn From A Dog:
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and out...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Car-window nose prints are an art form.
Looking cute always works in your favor.
Show affection to those you love at every chance you get.
Slobber can be cute in special circumstances.
During conversation, always perk up your ears, maintain eye contact and tilt your head. It
makes you look interested.
Playing with toys is never a waste of time.
A walk is an opportunity to discover a new and exciting world.
Unconditional love is the best kind.
All you really have to do to get someone to smile is a little trick.
Stare at someone long enough and you'll get what you want.
Don't go out on the town without your I.D.
Always take responsibility when you do something wrong (if you're caught).
If it's not wet and sloppy, then it's not a real kiss.
* are a special breed not usually recognized by the AKC.
* think everyone has dog crates in their living room.
* have messy houses yet their kennels are spotless.
* can always find a show catalog from somewhere within arm's reach.
* have kids who know more about the "birds and the bees" when they're five than most
people know when they are 40.
* drive trucks, vans, and station wagons especially equipped to haul dog crates.
* can never be reached on a weekend, they're usually at a dog show.
* will drive 400 miles, spend $100 on gas, $200 on a motel and $150 for meals to bring home
a 35 cent ribbon.
* have kids who regard "b###h" as just another household word.
* have lush, green, beautiful back yards and they've never bought a bag of fertilizer.
* get up at 6 AM to walk the dogs, can be at ringside dressed to kill at 8 AM, but have
trouble getting to work on time.
* will usually give up the $150,000 home in the suburbs to move to a
shack on 10 acres so they can have a $150,000 kennel.
* never miss a closing date for entry fees, but pay the mortgage 10 days late.
* had rather be audited by the IRS than investigated by the AKC.
* use dog food bags for trash cans and 30 gallon trash cans for dog food.
* talk for hours on the phone to another dog person in a language known only to dog
people.
* have parents who think they've lost their minds.
* have dog friends who think they are terrific.
BULLDOG PROPERTY LAWS
* If I like it, it’s mine.
* If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
* If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
* If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
* If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
* If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
* If it looks like mine, it’s mine.
* If I saw it first, it’s mine.
* If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
* If it is broken, it’s yours.
LETTER TO MY DOG:
Dear Rover:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so there is still a dog in
the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not
stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is
not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they
can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me stretched out to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you
there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob,
or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, and canine attendance is
not mandatory
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's hind-end. I cannot stress this
enough. It would be such a simple change for you
GUIDELINES FOR NON DOG OWNERS WHO COME TO VISIT:
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people so don't scold him, kick him or ask him to
move so that you can sit down.
3. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
4. To you, he's a dog. To me, he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and has
a speech impediment.
5. When introducing yourself, do not extend your hand but rather smile, turn around and bend
over graciously and let him take a whiff so that he will recognize you the next time you come to
visit.
6. If he breaks wind silently and you happen to get a snoot-full do not make a disparaging
remark. He has more sense than either of us and knows that there is more room on the outside
than the inside.
7. If Rover hikes his leg and wets your trousers do not get upset, he is just letting everybody
else know that you are part of his clan now.
8. If Rover takes a big ol' hunk out of your leg, I am certain that you deserved it for some
reason or another anyway and he just won't tell me to save you the embarrassment of why.
Things We Can Learn From A Dog:
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and out...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Car-window nose prints are an art form.
Looking cute always works in your favor.
Show affection to those you love at every chance you get.
Slobber can be cute in special circumstances.
During conversation, always perk up your ears, maintain eye contact and tilt your head. It
makes you look interested.
Playing with toys is never a waste of time.
A walk is an opportunity to discover a new and exciting world.
Unconditional love is the best kind.
All you really have to do to get someone to smile is a little trick.
Stare at someone long enough and you'll get what you want.
Don't go out on the town without your I.D.
Always take responsibility when you do something wrong (if you're caught).
If it's not wet and sloppy, then it's not a real kiss.
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