EnglishLady
Veteran Expediter
Funniest one-liners
*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
*We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
*War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
*If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
*The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
*Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
* If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
*How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
*A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
*Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
*Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
*A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
*Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
*Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
*The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
*He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
*I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
*Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
*The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
*Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
*My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
*Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
*Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
*A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
* I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
*Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
*We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
*You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
*A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
*With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
*Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
* Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
*Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
* If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
*I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
*When in doubt, mumble.
* I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
*A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
*Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
* Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
*When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
*If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
*Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
*Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
*I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
*We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
*War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
*If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
*The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
*Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
*Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
*Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
*I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
* If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
*How is it, one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
*A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
*Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
*Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
*A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
*Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
*Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
*The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
*Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
*He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
*I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
*Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
*Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
*The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
*Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
* Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
*My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
*Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.
*Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
* I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
*A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
* I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
*Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
*We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
*You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
*A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
*With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
*Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
* Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
*Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
* If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
*I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
*When in doubt, mumble.
* I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
*A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
*Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
* I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
* Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
*When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
*Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
*If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
*If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
*Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.