French Quotes

[louixo]

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
Apart from these
drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually
been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain.

"I would rather have a German division in front of
me than a French one
behind me."
General George S. Patton.

"Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without your
accordion."
Norman Schwartzkopf.

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do
something about it."
Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when
the German Army is
sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin.

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and
not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True,
you can sit outside in
Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this
is more stylish than sitting
inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't
know."
P.J O'Rourke (1989).
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an
aging actress of the
1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks
but doesn't have the face for
it." John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam> Hussein? Because he
hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a
beret. He is French, people."
Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get
Hitler out of France
either"
Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it
came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
David Letterman

Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who
lives in Canada. > Ted Nugent.

War without France would be like ...uh...World War
II.

"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C.
right now is one that says> 'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that
exerted more of its
national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have
always been there when
they needed us."
Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against
al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, aand a > three-day supply of mistresses in the house." > Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle
that was being > advertised on eBay the other day -- the description
was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've
proven we've found
truffles in Iraq."
Dennis Miller

Raise your right hand if you like the French ...
raise both hands if you are
French.

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German
Army as they entered the
city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend
Paris? It's not known,
it's never been tried."
Rep. R. Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to
conquer France in WWII? And
that's because it was raining."
John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.

The AP and UPI reported that the French Government
announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert
level from Run to Hide. The
only two higher levels in France are Surrender and
Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a
recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
disabling their military.

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is
imposing a ban on the use
of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the
day after a nightly
fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles
outside of Paris, caused the
soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech
tourists.

 

[greg334]

Shame on you, LOL
I am not in the habit of beating up any one country but because you opened the door, here is my addition to this.

This is not to offend anyone out there, but this was sent to me by a good friend, who happens to be French and she is humored by all of it – which she says is all true.

French Victories
Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrenees until the modern day.

Norse invasions, 841-911
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's favor for next 500 years.

Gallic Wars
Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

Italian Wars
Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.


War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming then French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
Lost French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

The Napoleonic Wars
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Lost Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Mediterranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

The Franco-Prussian War
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

Panama jungles 1881-1890
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

World War I
Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

War in Indochina
Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

French-on-French losses:

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacred by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know his own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from the Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

Well what can I say?