You'd make a great straight man, Moot
Taking it as a real question
I'd say the last option - no van - has been left out, and with rising minimum wage its a valid option.
If it's a must, Nissan of course. They last forever. Both choices limit loads, but Nissan at least has a high roof. Unless you include transit, promaster, and sprinter in cargo vans. Then its pick your poison. All of the new ones can have problems
Cargo van means chevy express or ford econoline to me. They last forever too, and take most of your paycheck in fuel.
Funny answer will follow below (I don't feel funny today)