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Veteran Expediter
Osama celebrates 5th anniversary of 9/11 with goat’s milk, roasted cave rat
By Faruk Yusuf Jihadi
Middle East Correspondent
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden celebrated the 5th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the United States with a grand feast of warm goat’s milk and a roasted cave rat, according to eyewitnesses. The one-time billionaire shared the meal with a handful of subservient underlings gathered around a single lantern in the back of his dark mountain cave.
The feast was bin Laden’s most elaborate in years, said several area tribesmen who spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear that the al-Qaida leader will have them tortured for talking to the press.
“Oh, yes, it was a grand occasion,†one said. “Three full jugs of goat’s milk were delivered by donkey. Osama has no refrigeration in his cave, so they had to drink it quickly. And warm. But I tell you, it was a magnificent thorn in the eye of the Great Satan!â€
“And the cave rat was a very, very large one,†his companion said. “At least five, six pounds in weight, praise be to Allah.â€
The highlight of the evening came when someone smuggled in a single Hershey’s Kiss. But the moment was diminished somewhat when it turned out to be the unpopular and short-lived Limited Edition mint-flavored kind.
The party was held deep inside bin Laden’s cave to avoid detection by NATO forces, another source said. The cave rat was roasted before sundown, after which Bin Laden would not allow a fire, so the celebrants had to play Pin the Sword on the Infidel by the light of a single battery-powered lantern one al-Qaida member had purchased at a Radio Shack in Pakistan, a witness confirmed.
Still, the witnesses said the party was a huge success and an enormous blow to American hegemony.
"No doubt the story of bin Laden’s greatness shall strike fear in the heart of America!†a witness said. “But please don’t tell Osama we talked to you without permission. He will punish us.â€
“Yes,†said another. “He will make us listen to Whitney Houston records.â€
Later in the evening Bin Laden risked capture by cranking up the generator, which could give away his position if a NATO or U.S. patrol happened to be in the area.
“He was very defiant about the generator,†another witness said. “He was willing to risk death to hear ‘The Greatest Love of All’ one more time."
Toward the end of the evening bin Laden wanted to play Pictionary, but his underlings were unable to grasp the concept – the United States and its allies having captured or killed 75 percent of al-Qaida’s network, including most of its brain trust. So bin Laden had to settle for a demeaning game of Candy Land, which he setched on a large rock and renamed “Osama Land.†According to sources, he lost.
By Faruk Yusuf Jihadi
Middle East Correspondent
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden celebrated the 5th anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the United States with a grand feast of warm goat’s milk and a roasted cave rat, according to eyewitnesses. The one-time billionaire shared the meal with a handful of subservient underlings gathered around a single lantern in the back of his dark mountain cave.
The feast was bin Laden’s most elaborate in years, said several area tribesmen who spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear that the al-Qaida leader will have them tortured for talking to the press.
“Oh, yes, it was a grand occasion,†one said. “Three full jugs of goat’s milk were delivered by donkey. Osama has no refrigeration in his cave, so they had to drink it quickly. And warm. But I tell you, it was a magnificent thorn in the eye of the Great Satan!â€
“And the cave rat was a very, very large one,†his companion said. “At least five, six pounds in weight, praise be to Allah.â€
The highlight of the evening came when someone smuggled in a single Hershey’s Kiss. But the moment was diminished somewhat when it turned out to be the unpopular and short-lived Limited Edition mint-flavored kind.
The party was held deep inside bin Laden’s cave to avoid detection by NATO forces, another source said. The cave rat was roasted before sundown, after which Bin Laden would not allow a fire, so the celebrants had to play Pin the Sword on the Infidel by the light of a single battery-powered lantern one al-Qaida member had purchased at a Radio Shack in Pakistan, a witness confirmed.
Still, the witnesses said the party was a huge success and an enormous blow to American hegemony.
"No doubt the story of bin Laden’s greatness shall strike fear in the heart of America!†a witness said. “But please don’t tell Osama we talked to you without permission. He will punish us.â€
“Yes,†said another. “He will make us listen to Whitney Houston records.â€
Later in the evening Bin Laden risked capture by cranking up the generator, which could give away his position if a NATO or U.S. patrol happened to be in the area.
“He was very defiant about the generator,†another witness said. “He was willing to risk death to hear ‘The Greatest Love of All’ one more time."
Toward the end of the evening bin Laden wanted to play Pictionary, but his underlings were unable to grasp the concept – the United States and its allies having captured or killed 75 percent of al-Qaida’s network, including most of its brain trust. So bin Laden had to settle for a demeaning game of Candy Land, which he setched on a large rock and renamed “Osama Land.†According to sources, he lost.