A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear sweet man) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Said "it was time I did something for myself" Isn't he the precious one!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 37 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Va Va Voom, this could be very entertaining!
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! Yikes, my groceries aren't that heavy, and if I need to lift my car, I have a jack in the trunk for that! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. I have been inspired! Even if it is a little harder to breathe now.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer, stop or use the radio buttons. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Wimps! His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other junk too that made no sense to me at the time.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
The Jerk-face freak was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. No, not those other skinny, gold laden females with their perfect make-up. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom by locking myself in a stall and standing on the seat. He sent some skinny super sluth detective witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which immediately sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that fruit-loop son-of-a-flop-eared mule looking mirror-licker Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic light in his dancing shoes instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan Christo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly girlie-man voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the answering machine with my day-planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. And if it hadn't been for the Cheetos and M&Ms in the couch, I wouldn't have had anything to eat all day!
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over and grab something, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear sweet man) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Said "it was time I did something for myself" Isn't he the precious one!
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 37 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Va Va Voom, this could be very entertaining!
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! Yikes, my groceries aren't that heavy, and if I need to lift my car, I have a jack in the trunk for that! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. I have been inspired! Even if it is a little harder to breathe now.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer, stop or use the radio buttons. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Wimps! His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other junk too that made no sense to me at the time.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
The Jerk-face freak was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. No, not those other skinny, gold laden females with their perfect make-up. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom by locking myself in a stall and standing on the seat. He sent some skinny super sluth detective witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which immediately sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that fruit-loop son-of-a-flop-eared mule looking mirror-licker Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic light in his dancing shoes instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan Christo left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly girlie-man voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the answering machine with my day-planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. And if it hadn't been for the Cheetos and M&Ms in the couch, I wouldn't have had anything to eat all day!
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over and grab something, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!